So it's time to well and truly kick things off this holiday season, and since it's a time for excess what better place to start than a classic movie marathon? And I can't think of anything more festive than a lot of foul language, plenty of over acting and even a few fairly high body counts. Did you think that I'd be talking about A Miracle on 34th Street? I think you probably know better than that by now. I'm afraid that doesn't count since it fails to contain a single creature effect and there not one gun battle or latex wearing caricature. And where else could we begin than with some classic Shane Black shenanigans in Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang.
The man has a strange fetish for this most gaudy time of year after all, no matter how tenuous the link to the actual plot. He just seems to need that festive mood and a few hundred red and green coloured light bulbs, whether it's during Lethal Weapon to The Nice Guys. He even shoe-horned the whole thing into Iron Man 3 for some reason... but I can't exactly blame him for trying. Maybe he grew up in a house where they forced him to take down the tree on December 27th. Still, at the core this remains the kind of movie that makes me sit back and think... wow this is still really funny and sharp.
It also reminds me that Val Kilmer never gets material this good, and Robert Downey Jr. looks so weird with a clean shave. They make a great double act and have a lot of screen chemistry, the zingers fly and the weird banter is a constant. The actual script is a tale of Hollywood sleaze, murder, mayhem and mistaken identities. It's a great take on the private eye genre and is full of cutting insults and off beat humour. But beyond a few party sequences and plenty of lurid visual choices the Christmas setting is purely decorative. Though I have to admit it's an interesting look that adds a layer of chintz which fits with the overall theme.
Film Rating: 4/5
Christmas Rating: Shane Black (2/5)
Festive Moment: Perry's secret weapon
Next up, a solid if unimaginative sequel. Here's the thing, everyone already knows Die Hard is the best Christmas movie. It remains an '80s classic with plenty of gruelling shoot-outs and fights, it has a great structure, some nice pyrotechnics and of course the magic of Alan Rickman. The only problem is it's kind of film that gets revisited so often in certain households that a change of pace is needed every once in a while. So I guess this will have to do, nonsensical Val Verde drug war plot and all. You could say it's got... snow of more than one variety I guess? At least by copying so many of the original ingredients it kepts the obvious Noël decorations and those sleigh bells in the score.
However while this still takes place on the right dates, as a movie it remains a guilty pleasure more than a classic sequel. There's far more awkward acting and stupid dialogue than the original. It's far more mean spirited. But I guess that's Rennie Harlin for you. The frozen scenery, the gratuitous violence and the non stop cursing are all part of the package. In one scene someone in the airport control room confuses ground level and sea level and nobody notices, that's just the kind of quality writing we're talking here. But it does have that laughable ejector seat moment, several over blown set pieces and a man falling into a jet turbine. Some things just make you feel fuzzy on the inside.
Movie Rating: 2/5 (Plus one for guilty pleasure value)
Christmas Rating: Renny Harlin (1/5)
Festive Moment: Icicle in the eye
Okay this is where we really start to get in the swing of things. Tim Burton's Batman Returns has Christopher Walken, PVC outfits, super gross Stan Winston special effects and lots of good old sexual innuendo. Christmas has truly arrived... well depending on the type of holiday you have planned I suppose. I've never been the biggest fan of the director's two outings in Gotham City, but they're still plenty of fun for the most part. People often argue about the way they portray the Caped Crusader, but these first two at least have lots of entertainment value, plenty of Gothic visuals, and some nice Michael Keaton fuelled moments.
This one in particular has a seemingly endless amounts of scenery chewing actors and all kinds of weird creepy stuff. Bats himself has to contend with numerous baddies eating up his screen time, but I guess it's a fair split considering just how overtly bizarre some of the material is. Things start to go off the rails when they reach Penguin's whole kidnapped children scheme, and all the weird clowns and animatronics are never entirely fit with the brooding central character or the mismatch romance subplot. But what the hell, I guess most of this is still just the right side of odd and macabre for this time of year.
Movie Rating 3/5
Christmas Rating: Oswald Cobblepot (2/5)
Festive Moment: Mistletoe can be deadly
Moving onto something just as gross but a little more festive, Gremlins is all about keeping the tone perfectly right. It somehow manages to balance all of the elements perfectly, from the creepy first half where it feels most like a real horror B-movie, to all the bonkers moments later as creatures wear flash macks before attending a theatre showing Snow White. Plus you know, chainsaws, car accidents and tales of dead Santa. Just more of that good stuff to make you feel warm and cosy.
It's definitely one of those films you should never watch on TV as they always censor the microwave deaths and the goo filled finale so that it can be broadcast at dinner time. It's a classic creature feature, you have to sit back and revel in all the gory details. There's a lot to love whether it's the puppet madness or that wacky theme tune, this is Joe Dante's finest hour and one of those great Spielberg produced films that retains a sort of unmistakable period feeling. There are a lot of monster movies that ripped it off, and plenty of modern day features trying to borrow nostalgic cues - but this is the original and best.
Movie Rating: 4/5
Christmas Rating: Amblin (3/5)
Festive Moment: Mrs Deagle's just desserts
(PART 2)
